India Travelog - Matt Atkinson
Our journey began in Hong Kong. As you can tell from this photo I had drank far more on the plane than both Hannah and Michelle. Having knocked over about 3 tables full of drinks, the locals were starting to get a bit pissed off with me, so the girls tried to put me to bed in a brothel. This would have been extremely embarrassing as I would have had no recollection of getting there and when they would have asked me ‘Where did you stay last night?’ I would have lied and had egg all over my face. Fortunately the madam wouldn’t accept me so we all pitched up in a hotel. I remember none of this.
Onwards to India the next day with no bones broken. We landed in Bombay at about 2am. None of us had any money at all. Having lost my wallet in Fiji I had no cards, none of Michelle’s cards worked and only one of Hannah’s (the last one we tried) managed to cough up a few thousand rupees. We took a rickshaw to India Gateway, driving through the most vile slums you could possibly imagine, found a guest house and then went on the piss with some English girls and a Bombay kid who spoke only in sound-bites “Full power, 24 hour, no shower” etc.
The next day we were accosted in the street by a Bollywood talent scout. As luck would have it, they were shooting that afternoon and were looking for a hung-over Englishman, Kiwi bird and Irish nutter. What were the chances of that? So we went to the set – Hannah and Michelle immediately had to get into costume, which just happened to be mini-skirts and titty-tops. I asked where my costume was and they said I would be fine as I was. I looked like Robinson Crusoe and was struggling to work out what the connection was between a plastic volcano, a suit of armour, Welsh dragons, Bugsy Malone style gangsters, a man in a Hawaiian shirt, two birds dressed as slappers, and a castaway.
I was nearly thrown off set for groping Hannah on camera, and we were all chastised for drinking beer.The next day we took the overnight sleeper bus to Goa. As we were on the outskirts of Bombay the driver pulled over the bus and I went for a piss while the girls went to buy some more piss. As I got back on the bus, the driver pulled off at full speed leaving the girls behind. I screamed at him to stop but he flatly refused so I had to wrestle the steering wheel off him while trying to avoid crashing. I managed to get the keys off him and made his mate run back for the girls before I would give them back. I don’t know what we’d done to upset him but he was clearly insane. Luckily I was much bigger than him.
Paul and Celine met us in Goa and we went off that night to a 3-day party – it was excellent. Here is Michelle being elbow-titted by a local and Paul dancing with his back to us.
And here is me being as offensive and as horrible as possible with one pair of shorts.
We went to a similar party in the same place for New Years Eve. Michelle was so out of her head that she fell into a cauldron of hot tea, set fire to herself and burst her lip open. She was the most fucked I’ve ever seen anybody ever, and I’ve seen a lot of fucked people. I have photographic evidence but she’d be fuming if I showed it to you. Oh alright then.
We spent most of the rest of our time in Goa on the beach. That’s not too shabby is it? And then Hannah and I headed for Hampi for a week and the others went up to Rajastaan.
Hampi is one of my favorite places. It has the strangest landscape – miles upon miles of boulders peppered with temples and ancient ruins 100’s of years old. It’s fantastic for rock climbing and bouldering.
After a week in Hampi we headed north to catch up with the others in Rajastaan. This took about two days of sleeper buses and overcrowded trains. We caught up with the others in Udaipur – famous for having the 007 film Octopussy shot there.
Mowgli is found alive and well.
Nice. What the fuck does that entail?
Here is raw un-fused mains electricity stepped down from 5000v. None of the terminals are insulated and all within the reach of children. “That’s it. Back a bit dear.”
Oh my god I’m in Mexico.
Your typical bar in a non-tourist part of an Indian town. These normally consist of a hatch opening onto the street. Your average punter will go up and buy a half bottle of whiskey for about $3, down it in one, and then go home and punch his wife. This one has the added luxury of a rat-infested back room complete with sinister mumbling drunkards. As you can see there are some Indians here too.
The peasants are revolting.
And so we left Udaipur and went to the magnificent blue city of Johdpur and then on to Jaisalmer for a 3 day camel trek. Michelle got really ill just before we went so in the end it was Paul, Celine, Hannah and I with two guides in the desert. And it was excellent.
Paul & I have heard of a moustache competition in Bikaner, our next port of call, so we’ve decided to enter.
On our second night under the stars, in the middle of nowhere, we were suddenly joined by a looney with a curved sword and an orange turban. He had seen our campfire in the distance and decided to investigate. Having spotted the red cross on my T-shirt he was convinced I was a doctor and I had to remove a thorn from his hand. He read my palm for me in return. As this was happening other members of his family started rolling up in small groups until there were about 15 of them there. Fuck knows where they came from. Before night fell I could just see miles upon miles of desert. Celine gave them all some of her Burmese cigars and Paul and I grudgingly shared the remains of our rum & gin. They were as pleased as punch.
Paul becomes Saul in the desert.
Cooeee. Oooohh.
From Jaisalmer we went to Bikaner for a camel festival and the moustache competition. I’m just getting ready.
At the camel festival Paul and I ended up getting off our tits and really annoying the girls and completely forgetting about the moustache compo. Celine was so pissed off with Paul that she punched him in the face when we got back to the hotel and locked him out of their room. He had to sleep with Michelle and in the morning Celine had fucked off with his passport. Those fiery French girls.
Paul & Michelle went on to Pushka to find Celine. Hannah and I caught up the next day.
After a few days in Pushka, we all went our separate ways. Hannah & I went on to Agra to visit the Taj Mahal. Michelle stayed in Pushka for a bit, and Paul and Celine went off to see a councillor about their relationship and Paul’s wanton drinking. Actually they didn’t but Paul was given yet another last chance. He’s had at least 10 since he met Celine just over a year ago.
Lurrve at the world’s greatest monument to lurrve.
From the Taj Mahal we went to Varanassi. This is the most holy place in India. If you die in Varanassi you go straight to Nirvana apparently. It took us 2 days to get there by train, we arrived there at about 7am and it had been raining for about 3 days. Therefore all the cow-shit and all the other shit that lined the 1 metre wide streets had turned to 2 inches of liquid poo. On top of this our rickshaw driver really wound me up by following us around everywhere on foot, trying to extort commission from whatever guesthouse we arrived at, and then I nearly got into a fisticuffs with a local organized crime gang of children. It was probably one of the worst days I’ve ever had.
The next day the weather dried up, we saw a few bodies getting burnt on the ghats, and then got the fuck out of there.
A dog trying to keep the shit off its feet.
From Varanassi we took the train to the caves at Ellora. This is a World Heritage site and houses the biggest Monolithic structure in the world.
The Kailasa temple you can see here is the worlds largest Monolithic structure (carved from a single piece). It is about 1000 years old and took about 7000 labourers 150 years to remove 200,000 tonnes of rock away from the cliff face.
After Ellora we had had enough of travelling around so went back to Goa for our last two weeks. We met up with Paul and Celine again and had a very boozy few days before they went home. Hannah and I spent our last week on Arunbol beach where beer costs 60c a bottle, tandoori tiger prawns are about 6 inches long, and you really do want for nothing. I would still be there now but unfortunately had to come home to the cries of the Inland Revenue.
I’m not sure where Michelle is at the moment. The last I heard she was in Kolkotta. I know that since we left her she has been bitten by a rabid dog twice, her hotel has burnt down, and she was involved in a car crash. Miraculously she seems to be OK.
