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The Anti Sedentary Nature of the Korean Peninsula: A study of Short-term Landmass Migration by Brigadier The Hon. Sir Wilberforce Farquarson Lokoema Carruthers
My Dear Friends,
In a little over a week I am to attend a banquet to be held in celebration of the occassion of the birthday of the British Consul-General, Sir Rutherford Cameron. I have had bestowed upon me the great honour of being invited to speak at this prestigious gathering, and I must confess, that accustomed as I am to addressing dignitaries, heads of state and senior members of a number of the world's Royal houses, a perusal of the guest list for the evening caused even I to feel a certain trepidation. Among a great many others, the evening will be graced by the presence of King Abd El Abbas of Qatar, His royal Serene Transcendant Majesty king Ramarasthra of Bhutan, General Sir Francis Wetherberry, His excellency Sheik Mohammed Mohammed Al Harasi Mohammed Heima, King Chang Hu So, Queen Jadara of Persia, Sultan Said Bargash of Zanzibar, and Lady Elizabeth Farrington, Eiress to the Duchy of Cumbria. My trepidation lay not in the act itself of addressing the gathering, but more with the selection of a suitably merritorious subject matter. There was really only one course. I have decided to present my most recent paper, borne of seven months of field research, including numerous terra firma expeditions, and a number of hazardous explorations into the oceanic zone, one of which I am quietly pround to announce, saw the first penetration by sub-marine wheelbarrow of the Sino-Pacific Benthos.
As honoured as I am to have the opportunity of presenting the fruits of my labours to such a distinguished audience, it must be admitted that a part of me still wishes that the first presentation could be given in the hallowed halls of our own Royal Society. There has been barely a single study of any geographical, cultural or ethnographical importance that has not been orated primarily amongst the members of either the Royal Geographical Society or the Fellowship of Eccentric Knights (FEK), and it pains me to be unable to maintain this long tradition. I have therefore decided to despatch to you, my honourable friends, colleagues and family, an advanced preview of the paper itself. You will I am sure appreciate how earnestly I would wish to be among you in order to orate upon its contents and to receive the many avid comments and questions that will arise from its reading, but as you also know, matters of diplomatic, cross-cultural and geographical importance detain me here.
So, allow me to present for your interest, my latest work:
'The Anti Sedentary Nature of the Korean Peninsula: A study of Short-term Landmass Migration.'
Introduction
Throughout history, many great minds have pondered upon the quanderous issue of the meteorological extremes exhibited by the Korean Peninsula. How is it possible that a single geographical zone could experience such violently contrasting seasonal fluctuations? In winter the land is locked in deep snow and ice, and is rocked by freezing winds. Temperatures plummet to levels more often associated with polar regions, and the population are forced if they wish to avoid frostbite or worse, to don many cumbersome layers of insulation, and to drink vast quantities of 'Soju', a fierce alcoholic concoction, regarded locally as the only means by which one's internal temperature may be maintained against the biting cold. Conversely during the months of summer the region experiences what can only be described as an equatorial climate. High humidity, soaring temperatures and thick, stifling, tropical air take hold, the only relief from which is provided by a ferocious monsoon. The local populace are forced now to go about half-naked, and to consume vast quantities of 'Soju', a fierce alcoholic concoction, regarded locally as the only means by which one's internal temperature may be maintained against the scorching heat.
I saw my own arrival on the peninsula as an opportunity to finally resolve this matter, which has befuddled the geographical world since time immemorial. I believe I have now succeeded in my aims. Expressed simply, my extensive research leads me to the conclusion that the landmass of the Korean Peninsula is not sedentary. Instead, it follows an annual migration route, moving North-East to occupy a polar location in the months of winter, and then drifting south to lie in the equatorial regions throughout summer.
Methodology
The fieldwork for this study was some of the most detailed, rigorous, and gruelling I have ever undertaken. Thorough surveys of not only the interior, but also of the coastal regions and oceanic zones were required, as well as essential explorations further afield along the route of the theorised migration. The fact that this work was successfully completed within such a short time period is testament to the sterling efforts of a number of local assistants and the many bearers, porters and laborours whom I engaged in service. I extend my sincerest thanks to those who survived, and posthumously, my deepest gratitudes to those who are unfortunately unable to bear witness to the final product their labours helped to create.
Broadly, the fieldwork can be categorised as follows:
1.Seismo-botanical surveying of the interior.
2.Tecto-tidal coastal surveys.
3.Fluvio-barometric oceanic surveying.
4.Geo-magmatic exploration along the migratory axis.
5.Ethno-algebraic sampling.
Interior Surveys
The extensive surveying of the interior was accomplished by means of a series of octo-directional transects, following the procedures dictated by Petherwick (1811). Since it has long been established that the peninsula is concordant with Genner's botano-algorithmic transition constant, the essential data could easily be obtained using the moth and thimble method. The axis followed roughly the line of the Sino-Pacific fault, the most likely perpendicular seismo-tectonic facilitator of the seasonal rift. A number of high mountainous regions had to be traversed during this phase of the study, including Bukhansan, Chiaksan, Woraksan, Naejaksan and Jirisan. Since this work was carried out during the months of Winter, conditions were often exceedingly harsh, and although I restricted on the grounds of compassion, the men's work to a meagre 16 hours per day, casualties were still numerous, and the protracted funerary rites of the Korean culture became a serious impediment to the scheduled completion of the necessary work. Nonetheless, a series of gruelling long marches, during which I myself was unfortunate enough to contract a debilitating case of transect lassitude, enabled us to achieve our goals three days ahead of my anticipated completion date.
Coastal Surveys
Having reached the southern coast, I split the expedition into two halves, in order that one team might move west and then north, and the other east and north, with the intention of making a rendezvous somewhere along the northern seasonal rift line. The western bound party I placed under the command of my second, Captain Shane Waterford O'Shea, a hardy and concientious Irishman, well accustomed to the problems associated with commanding the often difficult local populace, upon whom so much was dependant. Aside from a number of unsanctioned delays, during which he indulged rather too enthusiastically in his own passionate study of tribal intoxicants, his command was unquestionable, and he reached the town of Huchang a clear two days ahead of my own party, bedevilled as we were by the necessity of traversing the Heochong swamp, a 50 mile expanse of fetid marshland, enveloped for 6 months of every year by a noxious miasma, in the vile, stench ridden grip of which only the hardiest of men can avoid repeated bouts of crippling nausea and racking intercostal spasms.
It was vital that the ratio of tidal-disassociation be accurately calculated, in relation to the tecto-aquatic luminosity, and consequently it was necessary for our surveying teams to complete not only a series of nocturno-estuarine quadrats, but also a laborious sequence of hypo-lunar observations. Central to the success of these, was strict adherance to the minutely rigorous guidelines laid down by Vincenzo (1726) in his ground-breaking paper 'Il vostro calzino e non valide per le transazioni die questro tipo.' Although I must confess a certain skepticism regarding his stipulation that the first measurement of each period be taken by an individual wearing three cyan napkins inside his underwear, the accuracy of our readings was paramount, and thus I had a batch specially made by Mssrs Pratt and Pingle in London before my departure. Also proving invaluable were the eighteen brass custard spoons, forged at my request by Arthur Ramsey and Sons, the finest metalworkers in England. Vincenzo was very specific in his assertion that custard spoons were absolutely the best means by which to quantify lunar shift, and our success is a testament to his wisdom and judgement.
Oceanic Surveys
This was perhaps the most challenging phase of the our explorations. The deep ocean is a forbidding and hazardous area, the study of which requires specialised equipment, and not only the willingness to look death in the face, but also the expertise to evade its icy grip. The data we required was such that surface observations were wholly inadequate, and it was necessary for us to carry out manned missions to the deepest ocean depths. Having anticipated this eventuality, I had brought with me from England a number of essential apparatus. Primary among these was my diving bell. This faithful piece of equipment was passed down to me by my father, who was instrumental in its design. It had already served me admirably in a great many expeditions, noteably my journey down the length of the Bramaputra, my circumnavigation of Lake Baikal, and most recently, during the expedition I undertook with Sir Montague Pelham Ffotherington-Smythe, to survey the bed of Lake Atitlan in Guatemala. My father himself had also made valuable use of the bell in order to penetrate the flooded caves of Napyan, an expedtition for which he was awarded the Subterranean Penetration Achievement Medal.
We required, if our calculations of submarine barometric fluctuation were to be worthwhile, samples of sea water from various depths, as well as specimens of ocean floor detritus. The Pacific benthos is one of the deepest on Earth, and the pressures at such depths are enough to destroy most standard sample gathering equipments. Something more resilient was required. I had long been impressed by the capacity of my Grandfather's iron wheelbarrow to successfully transport the compost on his estate, a substance which regularly exuded frightening gaseous emissions, sufficient even to concuss the head groundsman on the occassion when he was ill-advised enough to rummage through the unstable vegetative mass in an attempt to retrieve his spectacles, without wearing protective equipment of any kind. It therefore struck me that with a few modifications, the basic wheelbarrow design might prove more than adequate to withstand the great pressures of the deep ocean, whilst also being an ideal means of gathering samples.
A number of locations around the peninsula were selected, to give a representative portrait of the oceanic area. It was unfortunately impossible, even with the bell to send a man to the bottom of the ocean. Here the barrow would have to go alone. However I decided that we could at least venture as deep as pressure would allow in order to optimise the chances of successful sample gathering.
The work took longer than I had anticipated, on account of the fact that I was forced to undertake all of the explorations personally. This was due to the men's abject unwillingness to participate in any way with what they described as 'Botong jidokhan arisokeun'.* I considered this a disappointing attitude, and made a note to reduce each man's wages accordingly.
Delays notwithstanding, the expeditions were a complete success. Despite a bout of severe pressure sickness, which caused me to suffer violent, psychotic delusions for 5 days, and some difficulties controlling the barrow, attached as it was to the end of a 2 mile pole, the required samples were obtained, and the study could proceed.
*Plain fucking stupid.
Surveying the Migratory Axis.
As I have stated, it was my hypothesis that the Peninsula drifts along a seasonal axis. Evident climatic conditions and the data so far gathered led me to believe that the extremes of this axis lay, to northwards in a semi polar location, and to the south in the Equatorial regions. Close examination of Trunwick's 'Tectonic Flux Tables' drew me to the conclusion that the precise locations were as follows:
Northern extreme - 58 degrees N, 188 degrees E. The Bering Sea.
Southern extreme - 3 degrees N, 130 degrees E. A position west of Irian Jaya, within the Philippine Sea.
My objective was to prove that this axis was indeed a plausible one, and to gather geothermal and magmatic data to support my hypothesis. Since time was against us, I judged that splitting the expedition to facilitate a number of simultaneous voyages along the axis would be the optimal approach. I must confess to having grave concerns regarding the men's willingness to participate, following the discouraging lack of enthusiasm displayed during our Oceanic studies. My fears were happily unfounded however. Indeed so keen were they to volunteer for the month long voyage to the tropical paradise of the Philippine Sea, that I was left with barely a skeleton crew for the Northward trip. Seemingly the men's curiosity lay more with white sandy beaches and azure blue seas than with freezing fog, ice, and 50 foot waves. A strange race indeed.
Ethno-Algebraic Sampling.
The value of local knowledge and age old wisdom can never be underestimated. Having collected a mountain of mathematical and geographical data, there remained one final source of vital information - the Korean people themselves. Surely there must lurk somewhere in the ancient consciousness of this land, an insight into the truth. It was inconcievable to me that these people could have no idea about the nature of their homeland. Thus the final stage of the study was a series of probing interviews across the Peninsula. Questionnaires were distributed to a host of towns, cities and villages, and during our travels we took every opportunity to converse with headmen, elders, priests, warlords, and even peasantry (although this last group proved largely unhelpful, responding to my questions on landmass migration for the most part with variants of, "Morijokeuro kako nukurul keubae, na ui sanyangeun jejohanda nobuda neun kamuldo songkasike handa."* or "Weigukin noneun mashineun michida"*2)
The more educated of those we interviewed did provide a number of very helpful and encouraging responses however. In Geollanamdo Province we engaged in conversation an old Buddhist monk, high in his mountain hermitage. When he heard the details of our explorations and the nature of my quest he fell silent and began to gaze deep into my eyes. After a long pause he said, "Why did you not simply stand on a beach for six months and see if the view changed?" I took this as a cryptic approval of my hypothesis.
*"Go away and bother someone else, my pig makes more sense than you."
*2 "Foreigner you are either drunk or insane."
Results.
It was clear from even an initial perusal of the data that it seemed to uphold the hypothesis. However, many a man has fallen into the dark, sticky trap of complacency in their zeal to prove a point, and I was not to be counted among them. The explorations completed, I therefore shut myself away in a quiet corner of Gyeonsu monastery (the abbot and I had become firm friends since the day I recovered the 30ft Golden Buddha which had toppled into a chasm from the courtyard during a mild tremor. He had kindly offered me a peaceful retreat for my analysis) and began a thorough statistical examination of every reading, every observation, and every sample we had obtained. There follows the product of my labours..
The results of the interior transects fell roughly into two brackets - those displaying a negative geo-algorithmic density ratio, and those displaying a power greater than four. When simple statistical analyses such as Crompton's Reverse Side Shift and Hardy and Hardy's Functional Discrepancy Compensator were applied to either of these data sets, the result was 6 or in the case of some isolated anomolous results 74,983. Even I was surprised by this level of statistical significance, and felt bound to clarify the findings by the use of Benwick's Wipple, a little known and vastly complex statistical test, the completion of which takes approximately a fortnight, barring errors. The result obtained through the use of the Wipple would be meaningless to the layman, and thus I reduced the value proportionately by means of Kruger's Semi-Absurdity Ratio, to produce a value of 456, 876, 986, 234. I'm sure I do not need to elaborate on the significance of this figure.
From the coastal surveys, we obtained readings of both tidal-disassociation and tecto-aquatic luminosity. The metastasis realignment of these measurements when combined was then calculated using a length of twine and a Jack Russell. If my hypothesis were correct, and the peninsula did indeed follow a line of seasonal migration, one would expect the results of this amalgamation to fall within a significance boundary of 0.67 and 1.53 unless the rate of diurnal thrust were less than the rate of nocturno-riparian coagulation, in which case the upper limit of significance would vary in accordance with the level of atmospheric nitrogen. The value obtained was 1.13, demonstrating a clear and indisputable significance, even accounting for the nitrogen paradox.
The oceanic samples, when analysed in terms of their zoo- and phytological composition, proved sadly inconclusive. There may unfortunately have been some contamination during transportation. Despite my rigorous and detailed instructions, the obduracy with which the men adhered to them could not be guaranteed beyond question. However, despite this setback, an analysis of sublunary separation proved more fruitful. The Geo-tellurian quotient was directly proportional to the natatorio-pelagic resonance, and could therefore be conclusively designated as being in accordance with the expected ratio as dictated by the corresponding exemplification severity correlation (23), and thus the hypothesis itself.
A wealth of data was collected along the theorised migratory axis. Predominantly of a geothermal and magmatic nature, the readings would, I hoped, validate my theories relating to the specifics of the migratory route itself. Until recently, the analysis of fluvio-magmatic and fluvio-geothermal data was notoriously difficult. I am therefore most sincerely indebted to Professor Magnus Svalskhoimur of Reykjavik University, who developed, a mere six months prior to my study, the statistical means of successfully discerning the vulco-sulphuric disunity, without the necessity of using the previously adhered to and grossly convoluted 'Baker's Imbroglio' method. His innovation saved me valuable time, and utilizing 'Svalskhoimur's Lucid Perplexity Orthogon' I was able to complete the calculation in a mere nine weeks. As I had suspected, the disunity ratio along the axis was greater than the base value (attained by multiplying the linear bipoles) of 45.7865, and therefore seemed to support the idea that the axis was indeed capable of sustaining the peninsula's migration.
Conclusion
The many and varied data gathered in this study, when subjected to statistical analysis, clearly support the hypothesis that the Korean peninsula is indeed migratory. I have presented the results for the reader, and he (in this modern age one may even go out on a limb and venture to say 'or she') can I am sure appreciate the simple clarity with which the data speaks. As in every field of exploration and discovery, there will be those who would refute my findings. I welcome such discussion, for I am supremely confident in my research, the validity of which is circumstantiated by simple mathematics - a science free of human egocentricity and subjectiveness.
Obviously much work still remains to be done. Were my time on the peninsula not drawing to an end, I would eagerly undertake the challenge personally. It will remain however, for others to take up the gauntlet of discovery and attempt to answer the questions of how, and moreover why, the Korean peninsula exhibits this peculiar behaviour. Although I have resolved some small matters in this vast field, I claim not to have done more than that. Indeed I have opened the floodgates of opportunity for those willing to follow me.
References
Baker, EJ 'Calculation of disunities in geo-elemental correlation. A simple Methodology' Journal of Labyrinthine Mathematics. (1794)
Benwick ZX 'Statistical tests for the disproportionately percipient' Journal of Mathematical Multifariousness. (1803)
Crompton ER 'The Side Shift - does a mole fit into a tobacco grinder?' Journal of the Society of the Fatuously Inane. (1837)
Genner NT 'Botano-Algorithmic Data - the Constant and it's implications for Biometric Statistical Analysis.' Improbable Biometrics. (1827)
Hardy FF and Hardy CW ' A new method of Compensation for Functional Discrepancies' Journal of Labyrinthine Mathematics (1811)
Kruger BL 'The Tuna Awakes' The Science of the Unfeasible (1781)
Petherwick LV 'A study of tectonic variance in the Sinai Peninsula' The Modern Geographer (1811)
Svalskhoimur M 'Brottmunsd Vagletjr Lukksted Parpskloiturr Orttheykgrom' 'Er Eitthvao Laust I Nott' (1870)
Trunwick TT 'Tectonic Flux - Tables of Reference' Oxford University Press (1790)
Vincenzo M E 'Il Vostro Calzino e Non Valide per le Transazione die Questro Tipo.' Giornale di Rifiuti Assurdi' (1726)
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